Day 24

And thus, it endeth.

Tonight, I broke my streak.  I ate sugar.  In the form of ice cream.  A not small amount of ice cream.

And how do I feel?

Really good.

But Sophie, you say, why does defeat feel good?  Why aren't you riddled with guilt at the thought that you couldn't go a measly 30 days without eating sugar?  You cracked!  Don't you care?

Well, think of it this way:

Right now, I'm at Day 24. The last time I posted anything was Day 9, and Day 9's post wasn't even about the struggle of my daily routine.  That says something.  It says that after the first 5 days, cutting sugar out of my life wasn't all that hard.  It didn't take enormous amounts of willpower, and I didn't have to throw out all of the sugar in my house lest I be tempted.  In fact, there is still copious amounts of chocolate on the counter, and (more) ice cream in the fridge.

And right now, I'm not dying to eat it all simply because I had some.  And I know that I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and suddenly have french toast with maple syrup for breakfast, a cookie for lunch, and cupcakes for dinner.

The fact of the matter is, I feel good because I won.  I am no longer addicted to sugar.  I am no longer craving diet cokes, or cokes at all for that matter, even when I ride.  I eat real food, all day, everyday.  I am once again in control of my diet.

Even tonight's transgression isn't truly all painted black.  Story: I went out for what was intended to be an 80 miler with 2 Bonk Breakers (I ran out of PB/J and BBs are about the closest thing you can get), and the intention of stopping for a banana at a gas station in the last 15 miles.  When a double flat ended the ride 63 miles in, I returned home in the car of a savior friend only to realize that it was 5:30, and all I had eaten the whole ride was 1 Bonk Breaker.

6:00 comes, and I get some sushi at Whole Foods for dinner, and afterwards I'm still hungry.  I mean, HUNGRY.

So I decided to think about what I had in the house (soy crisps, chicken salad, hummas, shrimp, etc) and eat the first thing my body wanted.   Turns out that thing was ice cream.

And now I feel much better.

Bottom line:  I'm looking at food, all food, as fuel.  And sugar is fuel.  In fact, sugar is such a potent fuel that it has to be treated with nuclear reactor care.  Eat it when you NEED it.

This experiment has allowed me to see and live that fact.

Does this mean I will gorge on cookies and brownies every time I ride bikes?  No.  I enjoyed my PB/J routine, and will keep at it.  Will I never allow myself to enjoy a treat?  You're funny.  Apple Pie a la Mode is still next on the Sugar menu this Thursday and I will accept it with a huge, "YES PLEASE!"

But until then, I can also truly and happily say, "No Thanks" to everything else.

Day Nine

One of the best things about this No Sugar trial is telling my story to others.  I'm known in the office as somewhat of a candy hound (I made "The Rounds" on a daily basis to cubicles where I knew baked goods or chocolates were sure to live), so when I said No Thanks to offered Mummy Cupcakes or Spooky Cookies, it raised more than one set of eyebrows.

After their "Why not?" I launched into my explanation of no sugar for 30 days.  

Responses ranged from the "I could never do that!" to "You have way more willpower than I do!" to "Wow, good for you!" to "I did that too, it really changed everything for me!"

But there was one surprising universal addendum after they spoke the above iterations:  

"So, have you lost any weight?"  

I which I reply that I'm not in this to lose weight, but to get healthier and more attuned to what I choose to put in my body.  "Oh, I know I know," they counter, "but you're probably going to lose weight too."

This reaction unsettles me a bit.  As someone who has battled through the obligatory cliched college aged eating disorder drama, I try not to worry anymore about the number on the scale. I don't even own one.  I don't have a full length mirror, which I admit can lead to some interesting fashion choices, but serves to keep me grounded on not linking an image in a piece of glass to self worth.  I don't know what I weighed before I started this experiment, and I don't know what I weigh now.  If I do anything it revolves around pants and how tight they are or are not around my waist. 

I wasn't expecting people to automatically think that I based my decision on a desire to diet.  And while I wouldn't be sad if I woke up next week and my waistband was in fact a little looser, my reaction would be rooted in knowing I'm getting healthier, not lighter. 

I'm sure part of it is working in an office where the men are even more fixated on pounds than the women, though for reasons of power/weight ratio dominance and not size 0 jeans.  Even though I'm sure some of the guys I work with could fit into size 0 jeans.  In fact, I've seen it first hand. 

But it's still unsettling that it appears to be the "go to" endgame.  And it's telling of how pervasive the thinner equals better mindset truly is, even when housed in innocent, seemingly innocuous comments.  

What am I working up to?  What's the big build up?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it's the fact that I feel like my own nonchalance about whether or not I'm "dieting" in the fashion magazine sense of the word is a signal that I've finally, once and for all beaten that old, cliched eating demon that I don't think ever truly started going away until I climbed on a bike.  

When people ask "Have you lost any weight?" I say "I don't know."  

What I leave off is the most important part:  I don't care.     

Day Four

Yesterday I finally decided that lingering chest goop or not, I was going to ride my damn bike.  I didn't want to push it of course, but living in Santa Cruz limits your options for "easy spins."  I settled on a nice out-and-back to Scott's Valley Cycle Sport, a super rad shop up in, you guessed it, Scott's Valley that was having their Grand Store Opening after moving into a bigger location.

But riding means fueling.  Deciding on what to eat sans sucre when you're lounging around is one thing, but when you are going to get after it, things are a bit more complicated.  I ended up eating half a sandwich and some roasted veggies from the local Organic Vegan Health Food store.  I rode for about 1.45 hours with one nice easy climb.

When I returned, instead of eating the usual cookiefest, I had the other half of the sandwich and some soy crisps and a banana.  I didn't eat ON the ride because it wasn't long enough.

Today, same thing.  I went out for a longer ride along the coast, I just wanted to do a longer than short but shorter than long easy spin to shake the legs out before the week.  But again.  Food.  Brown Sugar Oatmeal was out.  So was parfait.  I decided on half a bagel with egg and ham and a banana.

During the ride, I had another banana.

After the ride, I had a sandwich and some strawberries and a string cheese thing.

Dinner tonight was another Trader Joe's Salad supplemented with extra lettuce, cheese, and chicken.

Ok, now you can ask me why I feel it necessary to compose the above list.

Because, if you look at it, what you won't see is any extraneous choice.  There wasn't one thing on that list that didn't in some way actually nourish my body.  And I don't even like that word, "nourish," it sounds like I'm going to run away to one of the many Santa Cruz mountain retreats and shed my clothes and live in a Yurt.

But it's the most accurate one I got.

I'm seeing that sugar, and sweets in general, don't do anything more for you than a quick burst of WHEEE! like pleasure.  Which is awesome of course.  But as with almost any WHEEE like experience, the more you do it, the less WHEEE you get out of it, which is why you need more and more of it to get the same response even though it's doing a lot of harm to your body and sometimes even your life.

In fact, I think there's even a term for this very thing....  hmmm.....

Oh yeah.  Addiction.

I haven't even gotten through a week and already I'm craving it less.  Even better?  I'm craving actual FOOD even more.

So while I still look longingly at the cookies and chocolates at the store and gas station and work and (my god aren't those things in a whole F-ing lot of places?), I can also see them for what they are:

Occasional treats.  Not the everyday staples I made them.

Day One

Here I am, sitting on my couch, Day One coming to an end.  Though no life altering revelations occurred, there were some interesting observations.  Mainly that:

1) I want to eat sugar even when I'm not hungry.  Like now.
2) While not eating sugar was indeed sucky, not drinking diet soda was downright sucktastic.

Who knew that the soda would be harder to take than the candy?

For context, I normally have a 12 pack of Diet Coke curled up next to my feet like a comforting pet.  Some people bring their dogs to work, I bring my soft drink of choice.  I may, MAY have to allow myself just one per day, but I won't go into that territory until I've given myself a whole week's worth of withdrawal.

So.  If I didn't eat sugar, what did I eat?  Usually not a tricky question, but I consume roughly my body weight in Brown Sugar Cinnamon Oatmeal and Bonk Breakers and Peanut Butter Toast with Honey and Raisins on a daily basis, subsidized by chocolate, chocolate covered things, and chocolate chip cookies.

I wish I were joking.

I had a banana.

I had coffee with cream.

I had Oatmeal.  Plain.  Oatmeal.  I didn't finish it.

I had some LOVELY raspberries (not sarcastic, they were actually pretty glorious).

Lunch was a salad and soup.

I had another banana.

I had some trail mix SANS M&Ms (but with raisins....)

I had 1/2 a single serving packet of Goldfish.  This is a no sugar experiment not a no junkfood experiment.

Dinner was another salad (All Hail the Glory of the Trader Joe's) and some soy chips and a little bit of chicken curry salad.  And a glass of vanilla soy milk (a questionable choice).

And now?  Well, here I am, rereading what will most likely be my variation on a theme menu for the next 29 days.  I'm SUPER tempted to get a yogurt, but I think that's another questionable option that will have to wait until at least 2 weeks in before I try it.  You can't let a smoker trying to quit just have a butt at the end of the day.

I'm not thrilled.

I'm also not daunted.

Day 2, do your worst.  I will be waiting for you with the worst oatmeal ever.

In the beginning....

Hello.

My name is Sophie.

I'm a sugar addict.

My earliest memories of food gravitate around desserts, or as we coined them in my home, "Last Things." Last Things were always sweet, always anticipated, and always relished.  And I'm not talking classy desserts, no scoop of Vanilla or Neopolitan Sandwiches.  I enjoyed what could be described as porn desserts.  Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip Icecream with Butterscotch sauce.  Pillsbury Funfetti Cake with Funfetti icing.  Rice Krispies Treats with Peanut Butter Chips.  Breakfast was Lucky Charms.  After school snack was a tub of M&Ms.  Oreos were eaten straight out of the bag next to a huge glass of milk and Cremello Pumpkins were popped like prescription drugs.

Not to give the impression that my parents somehow neglected my diet.  I had the metabolism of a hyperactive kid who never stood still and didn't have to worry about such things.

Plus I ate most of it out of sight.

Now?  Well, though some may question my actual maturity level, I am far from being a hyperactive kid.  And for some time, and based on my history, I've had the nagging suspicion that my sugar cravings crossed the line from want to need. But how to prove or disprove that theory?

Try to quit.  Cold turkey.  For 30 Days.  If I don't have the willpower to stop doing something, anything, for 30 days, then it's time for some serious self examination.  It's not forever.  It won't kill me.  In fact, like most addictions, the benefits will far outweigh the costs.

And thus I pledge, with you the masses of the internet, as my witnesses, that starting tomorrow, October 25th, 2012, I shall no longer eat Sugar for 30 days and 30 nights.

And now, the Q&A:

1)  Sophie, are you serious?       Yes, I am dead serious.
2) Are there any exceptions?      Yes.  I am a cyclist, and so I won't give up eating sugars when I'm on a long ride.  HOWEVER.  I will not eat any super processed artificial sugars, and will be making my own PB&J sandwiches as energy food made with no sugar PB and no added sugar natural Jam, both of which I will purchase at an exorbitant price from the Whole Foods down the street.
3) You do realize that Halloween is coming up, don't you?    REALLY???  I had NO IDEA.  Thank you very much for cluing me into the fact that a sugar addict's most sacred religious holiday is soon upon us.  
4)  What about Diet Soda?       Good question!  I will also give up Diet Soda. 
5)  You do realize that means Diet Coke as well?   
6)  Will you eat fruit?  Yes, I will eat fruit, as that has natural sugar and also has a natural consequence for overdose which I will very much want to avoid.  
6) Do you know the numbers are all messed up now?  Yes, but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it now.
6)  What about Alcohol?           I will enjoy a nice glass of white wine every now and then, but no more than I usually do.  
7)  Do you know that you didn't answer #5?   ....sigh..... cremello pumpkins.....
7)  You do realize there are so many food blogs and quitting blogs and quitting food blogs that at this point another is meaningless and perhaps even trite?    Yes, but everyone has a story to tell, and I don't claim that mine has any special power or point.  I just feel like telling it.  How can being meaningless matter when I disavow any meaning from the start?   
8)  What will be the first thing you eat that has sugar?  A piece of Apple Pie a la Mode at TGiving Dinner.
9) Does the fact that you already know exactly when where and how you will break your fast give you any more reason to think that this is a really good idea?  No.  This is a terrible idea.  

Fortunately, many amazing things in my life began with terrible ideas.

Stay tuned for tomorrow.  Day 1.